MOVIES
TV
BOOKS

“Bender’s Big Score” (12-03-07)
“Beowulf” (12-08-07)
“Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter” (12-09-07)
“The Golden Compass” (12-10-07)
“Rambo (Pre-review)” (12-13-07)
“Six-String Samurai” (12-13-07)
“Gayniggers from Outer Space” (12-14-07)
“I Am Legend” (12-16-07)
“The Simpsons Movie” (12-16-07)
“The Day the Sky Exploded” (12-17-07)
“No Blade of Grass” (12-19-07)
“National Treasure: Book of Secrets” (12-22-07)
“Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem” (12-29-07)
“Cloverfield” (01-19-08)
“Cloverfield: Addendum” (01-25-08)
“Rambo” (01-26-08)
“10 MPH” (02-11-08)
“Jumper” (02-16-08)
“Vantage Point” (02-24-08)
“Star Wars” (04-14-08)
“Iron Sky: Teaser Trailer” (05-08-08)
“Iron Man” (05-26-08)
“Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” (05-31-08)
“The Day The Earth Stood Still (Pre-review)” (07-05-08)
“Hancock” (07-21-08)
“The Dark Knight” (07-21-08)

It is somewhat tough to review this because as I watched it all I could think was, “It’s a Futurama episode I haven’t seen ten times already!” The fact that it is new – and entertaining – make up for any little problems it had. But there were a few things that did annoy me. The biggest was the opening scene. While I deeply enjoyed the jab at the “brainless drones” who ran the network, I found the rest of the scene rather cheesy. Fortunately, the rest of movie makes up for the slow beginning.

The plot of the movie simply: scammers take over Planet Express (and later the world) where they discover the secret of time travel hidden in a tattoo on Fry’s ass. They send Bender throughout history to steal valuable items for them; the Mona Lisa, The Gutenberg Bible, etc. You end up with a tangled – but still comprehendible – web of multiple versions of the same character following different paths. The ending is a cliffhanger, setting up for the next Futurama direct-to-DVD movie: The Beast with a Billion Backs.

If you’re not a fan of Futurama, then you probably shouldn’t start by watching this movie. We die hard fans understand all the jokes and are thrilled each time a beloved character shows up, such as Seymour. You other people would just see a dog, but in our mind we fans see “Jurassic Bark” in its entirety.

A couple years ago I read the epic poem of Beowulf to see why it has survived so many centuries. But I found the poem confusing and disjointed. From school I knew that Beowulf killed Grendel and the mother and I always thought that was it. But that is only half the story. Beowulf returns home, becomes king, and many years later dies fighting a dragon. From what I remember, the two parts were almost unrelated.

So while a lot of people will only bash the movie, I will say they at least connected everything. My modern notion of “plot” liked that. Liked, but was not thrilled with. Watching a nude, CGI, Angelina Jolie rise out of the water may have been a reason to watch the movie in IMAX (I only saw it on a regular screen) but the simplistic, action movie plot actually makes it a rental or even a movie to watch on TV. Really, the only reason I love the fact that I paid to see it almost three weeks after it came out is that I was the only person in the theater. An usher came in, looked around, and seemed surprised that somebody was there. I think I got more enjoyment out of that fact than I did from the movie.

A friend of mine at work is a connoisseur of bad movies. He kept talking about this Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, so I finally watched it. He’s right, it is a bad movie. Despite having a copyright date of 2001, it looks like a student film from the 80’s. It was filmed in Canada, so that might explain it.

The plot is simple: vampires are now walking around during the day because they are wearing the skin of lesbians. The church is powerless to stop them, so they bring in Jesus to impale them. The acting is bad, the special effects are cheesy, there are countless plot holes, characters appear and then disappear with no explanation; it is a bad movie. In fact, I think I found the commentary more interesting then the movie itself. Unfortunately, while some movies are so bad they’re funny, this one isn’t quite there. I think the problem was that I was sober while I watched it – I bet being drunk helps a lot.

I’ve never read the books, but with all the controversy, they are now on my list. Apparently, some people who have read the books were worried that people like me would not be able to follow the story, but I didn’t really have a problem. Before I saw the movie I read a synopsis – which made no sense at the time – which must have given me enough of a foundation for me to follow the movie.

While the movie is set in a parallel world, it was made in this world’s Hollywood, so there were problems. Some of the dialogue, especially Lyra’s speech at the end, made me wince. And in one scene (which I really hope is not in the book) a deep chasm can only be crossed by a narrow ice bridge which is so fragile it cracks under the weight of a child. I know it is there for the sake of drama, but even I know drama is not spelled cliché.

All in all, I did enjoy the movie and look forward to the books and the next two movies.

When I went to see The Golden Compass, I saw a poster for Rambo. I may have heard that they were making a new movie, but haven’t they been saying that for the past decade? So when I saw the poster, I didn’t know what it was. I didn’t think they would make a new movie, so I wondered if they were re-releasing the first one, sort of a 25th anniversary thing. But when I looked it up on IMDB, I saw it was a new movie. Apparently in this one, some missionaries are captured and Rambo goes off to save them. When I read that I thought, “Ho-hum.” Somebody is in trouble and Rambo must rescue them. Why does that sound familiar? Oh yeah, it’s the basic plot of the second and third movies. In the first movie he was a badass, but in the last three he’s … Batman. “Where does he get those cool arrows with exploding tips?” Then I watched this trailer, and the first part of it seems, I don’t know, boring. There’s a kinder, gentler Rambo. It’s not until about halfway through the trailer that the body count starts rising. That’s when I perked up. In one scene, this guy is turned into a red smear. Now in general I oppose people being turned into red smears, but I have to admit, it’s cool to watch. It’s been years since I’ve seen the first three movies, but if I remember correctly they are full of the lame, “bad guy gets shot, clutches chest, falls over” death scenes. But this looks like it will be full of blood and gore and the one thing (not counting acting) that the other movies lacked was decent gore. So I am somewhat surprised to say that I am looking forward to seeing this one.

The same friend who recommended Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter also loaned me Six-String Samurai. Unlike the former, this one was pretty good. Basically, Buddy is battling across the nuclear wasteland to Lost Vegas to compete to become the new King of Rock. I did have a couple minor problems with it. Some people or groups just come out of nowhere, do their thing, and disappear, with no explanation. While they don’t derail the plot, they do lead to a lot of, “Wait, why did that happen?” moments. Also, I thought the ending was a little lame. But the biggest problem I had with the movie was: the kid. Ninety percent of his dialogue is, “Ahhhhhhh.” I’ve know alarm clocks to make a more soothing sound. Throughout the movie I kept hoping for Buddy to just turn around and slice the kid’s head off. As far as I’m concerned, that would have made it a much more enjoyable movie. But as it is, the fights were cool and the music was great. I’m not a big fan of 50’s-type rock, but in this movie it worked. (Check out The Red Elvises, they’re the band with “nice shoes,” and they did most of the soundtrack.)

I swear, I am not making up this movie! It has an IMDB listing and you can even find it on YouTube. (The movie is about 27 minutes long so it’s only in three parts.)

Basically, the crew of the Ring Musculatoris II from the Federation of Intergalactic Gay Planets discover Earth and find – to their horror – that it is infested with “female creatures.” So they beam down, kill all the “female creatures,” are embraced as liberators by the men, and leave Earth a gay paradise.

The bad acting, cheesy props, and shock-value title take away from what should have been an interesting movie. One group forcing their values on another could give a powerful meaning to a movie, but instead we have Gayniggers from Outer Space.

The first hour of I Am Legend is very good. I won’t say excellent because there were a few nagging issues that bothered me. One – the issue of Fred – I think can be resolved with just one or two lines of dialogue that I’m hoping were cut, but which we’ll see when the DVD comes out. The other is a little more complex, but can’t really be explained without going into greater detail about the movie. Sorry. The reason the first hour is very good is they follow the “less is better” approach of good horror movies. You hear the “dark-seekers” and you see bits and flashes of them, but they are on screen for three or four seconds at most. And in a chilling scene the camera is only focused on Robert Neville’s (Will Smith) face. You know what he is doing off screen, but you don’t see it. All you see is the emotion he is going through. That’s good movie making.

A friend of mine said this movie sounded like Castaway in the future. I admit, most of the movie is just Neville and his dog, but there are flashbacks that break it up and also give some necessary details. Also, a dog is far more interesting a character than a volleyball.

As I said, the first hour is very good. After that it does get a bit sappy for me, and the “dark-seekers” go on a CGI monster-movie rampage which I’ve seen too often to be impressed by. All-in-all, it’s a good movie and I can’t wait for the DVD.

I basically stopped watching The Simpsons several years ago because the show really isn’t funny any more. Some of “The Treehouse of Horrors” are good, but the show itself sucks. Just about everything has been done and they’ve run out of ideas. As such, the movie is just an overlong episode. I may have chuckled once or twice, but for the most part I was bored and glad I hadn’t paid to see it.

The movie is only about 80 minutes long, but it took me two-and-a-half hours to watch it. The reason is that about every five minutes I had to pause and do something else. I would look up the movie on IMDB, make myself a sandwich, pour a glass of vodka, etc. Yes, this is a movie so bad it makes you drink.

Okay, the plot, as such it is. Russia and America join together and build an atomic rocket to launch the first man into space. (Pretty cool for a movie made in 1958.) The launch is successful, but then something goes wrong with the rocket. The pilot manages to escape and returns to Earth unhurt. The rocket ends up going off course and explodes near some asteroids. These asteroids band together and head off towards Earth. Just before they hit, all the ICBM’s on the planet launch and they destroy the mass and everybody lives happily ever after.

The number of outright scientific inaccuracies and plot holes are … astronomical. As this clump of asteroids approaches the Earth, there are magnetic disturbances, tidal waves, forest fires, thunderstorms, and other bad things. Fortunately, these disasters only last for about a minute and then they disappear and make room for the next disaster. Unless you are a huge fan of bad, classic sci-fi movies, I would suggest you watch something else.

This is a movie I’m sure Al Gore has watched. The plot is pretty basic: pollution has caused some virus to mutate and it starts killing off grasses, such as wheat, rice, and other food sources. Famine spreads across the globe, governments collapse, and people start killing each other for scraps of food. The “hero” of the story is a man who leads his family – and other people they meet along the way – across England to his brother’s potato farm. Along the way they kill some people because … well, I guess just because the world was going mad and everybody was shooting people.

The premise is very interesting, but the film is rather painful to watch. If it was just that it is dated, I could handle that. But the movie is rather jerky. Things happen – apparently out of nowhere – and you would think they would be important but they’re never mentioned again. For example, one girl falls in love with a guy for reasons that aren’t really clear, and there is some tense scenes between them, her parents, and her old boyfriend. Then, it’s sort of all forgotten and doesn’t seem to have any real baring with the plot of the movie. And then there are these stupid flash-forwards. I think they’re used to break up the monotony of watching a group of people just trudge across the moors but they are just annoying. At one point, the leader says something like, “We should make good time, as long as we don’t run into any trouble,” and then there is a few seconds of a biker gang going down a road. You go, “Oh, they must run into bikers at some point,” and half-an-hour later, they run into bikers. If they had cut these flash-forwards out, and the endless scenes of ecological destruction, they might have had more time to fill in the plot.

A few years ago after watching the first National Treasure, one of my friends remarked that it was an okay movie but rather forgettable. He never expected to watch it again. At the time I agreed with him. But over the years I realized something: it’s a good background movie. Whenever it’s on TV, you can just let it play and do other things. You can sort through your mail, then watch a cool scene, then cut your toe nails. I feel that National Treasure: Book of Secrets will be a similar movie. Like the first one it deals with dozens of clues that must be followed one after the other without any being accidentally discovered or destroyed over the centuries. When it turns out one of the clues was accidentally discovered many years ago, it sets up a subplot with The President’s Book. And the little issue with “page 47” could be used as a starting point for a third movie.

Overall, it’s an okay movie, but it is rather forgettable. I mean, once you see where all the clues lead the surprise is gone. And if you go back to the theater to see it a second time, you’ll be able to focus on … I wouldn’t call them outright inaccuracies, but places where the truth is really stretched. So, I’m looking forward to seeing it on TV. My toe nails need cut.

The worst part of Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem are the humans. The movie starts out with 20 or 30 bland, interchangeable characters that you don’t care for. Which is good, since most of them die in various bloody, gruesome manners and the survivors (and the audience to some extent) forget they ever existed. But before they die they all have atrocious dialogue and bad acting. The aliens and predators only grunt and screech and howl, but they were the more interesting characters.

What made Alien, Aliens, and Predator good, is they are more creepy then they are gory. That makes for an interesting movie. Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem just has gore. Something that I found more entertaining than … the movie, was listening to my friend grumbling and complaining about the gore there only for shock value.

For various reasons I did not enjoy the movie Signs when it came out some years ago. One of the reasons was I wanted to know more of what was going on. But a friend of mine said that it was interesting to see the personal aspect of an alien invasion. With most alien invasion movies you get stuck with some schmuck nobody expects anything from who goes through this great character transformation and becomes the mighty hero. After awhile, that gets old. And over the years I’ve come to think that – if done well – a movie about “What Joe Shmoe did during the invasion” could be interesting. Cloverfield is not that movie.

The movie starts with a surprise going-away party for this guy who is moving to Japan. His friend is going around recording messages from everyone. Then this monster shows up and starts destroying New York. People start running and screaming and the guy keeps videotaping to document the event for future generations.

The first twenty minutes or so is the party, which is probably seventeen minutes longer than it needs to be. I know it was to make you care for the characters, but it pretty much made me want to see them die. When the monster finally shows up, one of my friends leaned over and whispered, “Finally.” Then there is a bunch of running and screaming, and the camera is dropped a few times, and at one point a different friend of mine got so motion sick that they threw up. Of course I was just wondering if there is a military base in Manhattan, because the events only cover a few hours and how did they get all the tanks and rocket launchers there so quickly?

Don’t get me wrong, there were a few good scenes. At one point the monster knocks down a skyscraper, and you see this 9-11 wall of dust roaring down the street. For a split second the fake tragedy was linked to the real one. But the good scenes are lost in your desire to know what the monster is, where it came from, what happened to it. Overall, Cloverfield almost feels like it should be a DVD extra for a better movie that documents the monster’s attack.

Over the past week, I’ve heard a lot of people talk about how great a movie Cloverfield is. I wanted to say, “Are you stupid, or something?” But then I started listening to what they were saying. The main thing I heard was that if you follow the story of the people, it all falls together. Apparently, if you watch it as a love story with a monster movie in the background, it’s good. Although, isn’t the message: love, it will get you and all your friends killed? (Sniff, how beautiful.) But if you’re like me – and thought the people were boring and looked forward to them dying – the movie of an undefeatable monster just isn’t that great. Especially with the “It’s still alive” line apparently at the end. Sorry, I’m not buying it. I guess I have too much faith in the US military. What with Anti-Tank and Bunker Busting weapons, I think the military would kick ass. I mean, how could these things punch through steel armor and penetrate twenty feet of solid concrete, but bounce off lizard skin? Seriously, can you watch the following clips – Clip 1, Clip 2, Clip 3, and Clip 4 – and still think some Godzilla-knockoff wouldn’t get smoked?

10 MPH is a documentary following these guys who quit their jobs at some computer company and decide to film themselves and a small group of friends as they travel across the country on a Segway. In a 100 day trip from Seattle to Boston they meet numerous interesting people and show the vast diversity that is America.

When I first learned of this, I thought it would be rather boring. But I started watching it and was quickly hooked. It is funny at times, poignant at others, and the views of the country (especially while they were out west) were gorgeous. And it wasn’t just them holding the camera saying, “Look what we’re doing,” they dealt with many problems. From financial, to medical, to financial, to personal, to financial … this wasn’t just a fun road trip. I really enjoyed this and I highly recommend you check it out.

Walking into this movie I did not have much expectations, but I was still disappointed. The basic plot for Jumper: this kid David learns that he has the ability to teleport, or “jump.” Using this he runs away from an unhappy home and robs banks to get along. He then spends years just jumping around the world having a good ol’ time. Then he runs into another Jumper and learns of the Paladins – a fanatic group that has been exterminating Jumpers for centuries. There are some battles which are pretty cool, and then the movie ends. Nothing is really resolved and the audience doesn’t know what happened to several of the characters.

When I read the books, I knew that the movie wouldn’t be true to the novel (there aren’t enough explosions in the book for an action movie.) But about 70% of the movie has nothing to do with the book. In the books, only David and Millie (who absorbs the power after ten years of marriage) are Jumpers. There are no Paladins, there is no war. Yes, David did rob a bank in the book, but he then pays it back by working for the NSA. As I was leaving the theater I couldn’t help but think that if instead of settling for a marketable name and 70% of the story, the writers and directors had gone for 100% originality in a story of teleporters and those who chase them, it might have been a better movie. And it might have been the first in a franchise. Instead, they gave us a bland movie. I mean, it’s been over a month since I read the book but I think I remember it better then the movie I saw two hours ago. My advice, read the book and wait until Jumper is on TV if you must see it.

The trailers for this made me a little curious, and then I found this trailer. I don’t know if it was just something that wasn’t in the other trailers or if I was just stupid, but I did not know that the “President” who is shot is not the real President. That really piqued my curiosity so I went to see it and found it pretty good – up to a point. It was interesting to watch this event from several different “vantage points” and try to figure out what was really going on and who the bad guys were. And there was a point after the “President” was shot where the real President and his advisors are discussing what should be done. One advisor said they should show strength by striking at a terrorist camp, but the President said they should be strong. His point was that they blow up something so we give a heavy handed show of strength that makes the world hate us. There has to be a better way.

Now, the “up to a point” part I mentioned above which was basically the last ten minutes of the movie. I have no desire to ruin the end for anyone, but there is no way I can discuss my reaction without giving away the ending. So if you don’t want to know how it ends, stop reading here. Okay, the terrorist plan ultimately was to kidnap the President, and in these they succeeded. The last two surviving members of the terrorist cell are in an ambulance with the President in the back and they are driving away from the scene. The bad guys have won. Then, this über terrorist sees a young girl standing in the middle of the road. Now, why was a young girl standing in the middle of the road? The plot required her to be there and because she was an idiot. (I think her whole sub-story was the weakest of the movie.) So what does this hardened terrorist – who probably spent years planning this operation involving a shooting of scores of people, setting off a bomb in a crowded area, and who has no difficulty in shooting a hostage in cold-blood – do when he sees a young girl standing in the road? He has a conscience of course, so he swerves to miss her and wrecks the ambulance. The President is rescued and there is a happy, all-American ending. When I saw the guy gasp and turn the wheel I became so disgusted I almost got up and left. I had enjoyed the movie up to that point, but then it just fell flat on its face. I mean I can overlooked the fact that the movie had devolved into a lone Secret Service agent who feels he has to prove himself because of something that happened a year before throwing a huge monkey wrench in the elaborate plans of the terrorist. (I’ve never seen anything like that before.) But, the bad guys had won. The only way to end the movie on a good note was for the main bad guy to not be so bad. It was like seeing a picture of Osama bin Laden playing with kittens; it just doesn’t work. He should have just run her over, it would have made a better movie.

I’m breaking my rule of only reviewing things after watching or reading them for the first time. I’m breaking it because I’ve decided that with Spike airing all six Star Wars movies, it would be the last time I watched them. As to the prequels, I don’t think I need to explain why I don’t care to watch them again. I know a guy who likes them, but I’m sure the rest of us agree they SUCKED. But here is my reasoning for not watching the classic (i.e. good) trilogy again.

It began with the Special Editions. The original trilogy remains a cornerstone of my younger days. I remember going home for Thanksgiving or Christmas from college and coming across a Star Wars marathon and having to stop and spend the day watching them. Yes, there were problems with them, but they’re classics and you accept those flows. Then came the Special Editions, which are like colorizing Citizen Kane; they didn’t need to be done. I admit, it was nice to flesh Biggs out some, but that good is overshadowed by the horrendous bad of Greedo shooting first and the oh so terribly fake CGI Jabba.

While I may have been able to live with the Special Editions, then came the prequels which I would love to burn out of my memory, but I’m stuck with them. And I can’t watch the good trilogy without noting places where the bad trilogy screwed things up: “There you will learn from Yoda, the Jedi Master who instructed me.” “Leia, do you remember your mother? Your real mother?” “Just a little bit. She died when I was very young.” Did Obi-Wan go into a timewarp or something, to explain how he aged so much? How long did it take to build the first Death Star? What happened to all the clones? Wouldn’t someone have stockpiled a small droid army at some point that the rebellion could find and use? Why doesn’t Luke know about the great pod racer, Anakin Skywalker?

These reasons take away the pleasure of watching the good trilogy, so what use is there to keep watching when there is no longer pleasure in it? So, that’s why I’ve decided to leave the official Star Wars universe, but I’ll still watch the parodies.

I’m not entirely sure why, but I am really looking forward to this movie. Ironman, Indiana, Batman, yeah, whatever. But come on, how can you pass up Space Nazis?

I’m not one for comic books, but I usually enjoy the movies based on them. When the big fuss about Iron Man began last year, I didn’t get caught up in it. Then the trailers started coming out and I started getting excited. The main reason being the humor. The, “This is not the worst thing you’ve caught me doing,” line and the tiny missile that blows up the tank gave me hearty chuckles. So I didn’t go in wondering how close to the comic books the movie would be. I went in just expecting a fun movie, and that is what I got.

For those who don’t know what Iron Man is about, Tony Stark is a billionaire, playboy, mechanical genius who makes his money building weapons. After a demonstration of his latest missile in Afghanistan, his military convoy is attacked by terrorists and he is injured and captured. A doctor and fellow hostage attaches an electromagnet to his chest which keeps shrapnel from getting to his heart. At first it is powered by a car battery, but eventually – using scrap parts – he builds a miniature “arc reactor” which gives far more power than he needs.

The terrorists – led by Raza – have a large supply of Stark weapons, but they keep Tony alive because they want him to build them the missile he just demonstrated. Instead, he builds his first suit and escapes, killing a lot of the terrorists and blowing up their weapons. In the process, the suit is broken and Tony leaves it scattered in the desert.

Tony returns home where Obadiah Stane – his second-in-command – proceeds to double-cross him. Tony builds a new suit while Raza collects the pieces of his first suit. But then Stane double-crosses Raza (he had been selling weapons to the terrorists), steals the blueprints and builds his own suit (Iron Monger.) In the end Iron Man and Iron Monger fight, and surprise, surprise, Iron Man wins.

This was a very good movie, but I did have a few problems. First off, I loved how everything was set up, but the fight scenes felt rushed. There really needed to be another five or ten minutes of action. Or as I explained it to a friend, their needed to be more explosions. The second thing happened when at one point he flew from California to Afghanistan to blow up some terrorists and flew back to California in what felt like an afternoon. I felt like there needed to be a scene of him flying over the Pacific and the suit informs him, “ETA, three hours, fifteen minutes.” Tony sighs, then says something like, “Next time I put the suit on, remind me to go to the bathroom first,” or something. Other than those minor things, it was a good movie.

There were several things in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull that I enjoyed, mainly the humor (Indy fighting his way through a car) and references to the earlier movies (the hint of something inside a broken crate). There were also elements aimed at the audience I enjoyed; from Mutt asking Indy, “What are you, eighty?” and one character saying something along the lines of too much of life is spent waiting … for sequels to beloved movies he might have added.

Now, the stuff I didn’t like. I don’t want to give everything away, but there is an element of the movie that I found too fanciful. A friend of mine asked, “And the Ark of the Covenant melting Nazis is more believable?” I answered, “Well, no, but ….” It took me a couple hours to come up with the but – magic. The “magical elements” of Raiders of the Lost Ark and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade are confined almost entirely to the last five minutes of the films. The bulk of those movies is the search for the artifacts and outwitting Nazis along the way. But the magic in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom – ripping a still beating heart out of a guy who remains alive (till he burns up in the lake of lava) and the blood-like stuff that turns you into a zombie until you get burned, and then you’re fine – is much more prevalent. If the magic in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom had been limited to just some glowing rocks at the end, it might not have been so hooky. What about Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? There is “magic” throughout the whole thing. From if you look into the eyes of the Crystal Skull it will speak to you, to its ability to control ants, to the ending I don’t want to give away. It felt more like an X-Files episode than a classic Indy film.

Speaking of classic Indy, I know that Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is set in different time period and classic Indy probably wouldn’t fit in 1957, but I prefer the 30’s Indy. I think it’s pseudo-nostalgia; thinking the 30’s were a simpler time when you could solve your problems with a bullwhip. Indiana doesn’t belong in the modern world: 1957 – the year the space age began – is too modern.

When I first heard they were remaking The Day The Earth Stood Still, my first thought was, Another classic ruined for a modern audience. Then I saw the trailer. It looks like any meaning the classic had will be buried in this giant, special effects, thing.

I love the idea of a superhero with issues. It makes them more human and more relatable. So for that reason, I loved Hancock, I mean, you don’t see Spiderman or Batman pinching women’s asses or going to AA meetings. And I loved the humor. Yes, sticking somebody’s head up another person’s ass is low brow, but it’s still funny. And I loved the first half of the movie when I thought it was a superhero movie without an origin story, which I thought was bold and interesting. Then there is the infamous twist. Personally, I didn’t really care for the twist because it went from this unique non-origin story superhero movie to a movie with an origin story that left me scratching my head going, “Huh?” I think that’s a shame, because while it was a good movie, I can’t really see them making a sequel (that hasn’t stopped people before) but if they had only hinted at his origins, they could have made his – better – origin story the second movie. So, overall, I say it’s a good, fun movie, but not a great one.

I saw this with a bunch of friends and I think the consensus among the women was that it was a good movie but they wouldn’t want to see it again because it is so dark and depressing. The doom and gloom didn’t bother me, but I did have some issues. For example, there is a scene where something happens to somebody (I’m trying not to ruin it for anyone) and there was a collective gasp from the audience because it was so shocking. But it only lasted for a second because even I knew that they couldn’t do that. Reading back over that I realize I sound like an idiot, so I’ll just say somebody “dies.”

Anyway, more issues. With all his money and technology, couldn’t Batman just buy a voice changer instead of talking in a deep, gravelly, almost demonic voice? Like a friend pointed out, it’s good that he’s trying to disguise his voice, but it was getting on my nerves. And speaking of annoying sounds, during some of the Joker scenes there is this humming buzz that built which – I believe – was supposed to give the scenes a more disturbing aspect, but which always made me think the projector was about to blow up.

Now, the biggest problem I had. There were several scenes where the Joker or somebody else stated that he wasn’t a planner, he wasn’t planning out his actions he was just having fun. That would be great if his actions weren’t planned out. Rigging up buildings to explode isn’t something you do on the spur of the moment. And it seemed no matter what Batman or the police did, he already had a plan for that eventuality. So really, I think he was the smartest man in Gotham, but that didn’t really come out in the movie.

Now that’s all out of the way, I did enjoy the movie. It’s one I might actually go back and watch again in a few weeks. I don’t think it was possible for it to live up to its hype, but it made a good try.

“Tin Man: Part One” (12-03-07)
“Tin Man: Part Two” (12-04-07)
“Tin Man: Part Three” (12-04-07)
“The Sarah Jane Adventures: Series 1” (12-04-07)
“Doctor Who: Voyage of the Damned” (12-26-07)
“Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (Pre-review)” (01-05-08)
“American Gladiators” (01-07-08)
“Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Pilot” (01-13-08)
“What I would have done: The Sarah Connor Chronicles” (01-14-08)
“K-9 and Company” (01-17-08)
“Torchwood: Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang” (01-17-08)
“Everybody Loves Hypnotoad” (01-26-08)
“Knight Rider” (02-18-08)
“Torchwood: A Day in the Death” (02-28-08)
“Doctor Who: Series 4 (Pre-review)” (03-08-08)
“Doctor Who: Series 4 (First three episodes)” (04-20-08)
“Torchwood: Series 2” (04-27-08)
“Doctor Who: Journey’s End” (07-20-08)

On general principle, I oppose reimaginings. I think as I writer I feel that once there is a story, that’s it. It’s been done. You can parody it or have it inspire a different story in a similar vein, but rewriting it – giving it your twists – seems too presumptuous. I prefer things that are original. Now, I’ve never read the book and I was never a big fan of the movie, so combine that with my feelings about reimaginings and you can understand why I wasn’t psyched for “Tin Man.”

Another reason I’m not a fan of reimaginings is that instead of focusing on the story at hand, you spend too much time comparing it to the original. Like I said, I’m not a fan of The Wizard of Oz but I saw it enough as a kid to know the basic storyline. As a result, I spent the first fifteen minutes of Tin Man trying to link up the two versions. That’s not a good sign.

After watching Part One, I have to say I wasn’t impressed. I will watch Parts Two and Three, but just out of a feeling of I started it, I should finish it. I really don’t care about any of the characters, and instead of being drawn into the story I’m wondering why it’s called Tin Man. Of the three companions DG (Dorothy) picks up in Part One – Glitch (Scarecrow), Raw (Cowardly Lion), and Cain (Tin Man) – Cain is the one with the most story, but he still seems to be a secondary character to DG. If the story was being told from his point of view I could understand, but it’s not, so I’m left confused. That’s also not a good sign. Maybe he plays a bigger role in the later parts. We’ll see.

After I watched the Holiday Special/Pilot “Invasion of the Bane” I figured the series would be aimed at teenagers, since three of the four main troublemakers are teenagers. And the first few stories of Series 1 only strengthened that idea. From the horrors of not fitting in at school to Luke asking Clyde to “explain girls” to him, it came off as something that in time would just bore adults. I was just waiting to hear, “You can go off and fight the evil alien invaders, after you finish your homework.” But I found the last two stories, “Whatever Happened to Sarah Jane?” and “The Lost Boy,” intriguing. The revealing of the main villain in “The Lost Boy” caught me by surprise, although I do think that story arc could have been built up a little better. So I’ve gone from watching it just because it is Doctor Who related to wanting to see Series 2 for it’s own merits.

The only real problem I had with it are the references to The Doctor. If I remember correctly, The Doctor is only mentioned in passing in the first and last episodes of Torchwood, and almost no reference is made to Jack’s time with him. But in Sarah Jane, I think in every story The Doctor is either mentioned by name, or some reference is made to Sarah Jane’s travels with him. It feels almost as if they are too afraid of letting go of The Doctor’s coattails and they need to keep reminding people that they are Doctor Who related. They need to stand on their own, and I think they can.

In Doctor Who: Voyage of the Damned we learn that, “Now human beings worship the great god Santa, a creature with fearsome claws and his wife Mary. And every Christmas eve, the people of UK go to war with the country of Turkey. They then eat the Turkey people for Christmas dinner ... like savages.” At least according to Mr. Copper, and he should know, he has a “First Class Degree in Earthanomics.” This, along with numerous other humorous bits, helps balance out the large body count of the show. I haven’t done a scientific count, but it feels like you see more people die in this than in other Doctor Who episodes.

The basic plot is a ship which turns out to be a starship liner named Titanic crashes into the TARDIS. The ship is from the planet Sto and they are orbiting the Earth (without us humans knowing) to experience the “primitive” culture by celebrating Christmas. The Doctor stows away and joins the party. At first everything is fine, but then some meteors purposely crash into the Titanic. With the engines dying, it now threatens to crash into Earth and wipe out all of humanity.

To discover why this happened and to prevent the crash, the Doctor joins up with a small, standard-disaster-movie band of survivors. There is the brave, young officer on his first voyage, the obnoxious rich guy, the jolly couple, the man who after a lifetime of hard work can’t afford to retire, the young, attractive waitress who wants to travel, and a small, red, spiny guy. Okay, the red guy may not be standard, but he – like just about everybody else – is hiding a secret.

Overall, I found this a very entertaining special and I shudder to think how it will be eviscerated for its US broadcast. I therefore strongly recommend that you find it online somewhere.

I am a huge Terminator fan, enjoying all three movies for different reasons. The first had the plot, the second had the effects, and the third had the ending. For that reason, and almost for that reason alone, I will start watching Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. I’m not expecting much, and I fear that will be delivered. What I expect – but don’t want – is, “This week, on an all new Terminator, John escapes death at the hands of the bad Terminator by the skin of his teeth. Next week, John escapes death at the hands of the bad Terminator by the skin of his teeth.” The hero escaping by the skin of their teeth works a couple times, three probably being the limit. If it happens every week, it’s going to SUCK. A good villain needs to win sometimes, otherwise, they’re not really villains, more like annoyances. So they are either going to defeat this killing machine from the future every week, or they’re going to have to do something else. And I doubt they’ll do something else because narrowly escaping from the Terminator is more exciting, at least for the first few weeks, before it starts to SUCK.

Now, you may just call me bitter, but answer me this: wasn’t this at first just called The Sarah Connor Chronicles? Why did they add Terminator to it? Did they think they had to remind people who Sarah Connor is? I’m thinking some moron made an “executive decision” to rename it, and that shouldn’t fill anyone with hope.

I’ll admit it, I used to watch American Gladiators when I was a kid, so I watched the premier of the new series to try to relive that childhood. And watching women in tight fitting clothes wrestling with each other is ….

Anyway, I doubt I will become a regular watcher of this show. My biggest problem with it is the talking. “How does it feel to be on American Gladiators? Awesome. I’m so pumped. I’m doing this for my family, blah, blah, blah.” I don’t care. There were times I almost yelled at my TV, “Less talking, more beating the crap out of each other. That’s what I want to see.” I don’t want to hear their life story; I want to see them get pegged with tennis balls in “Assult.” Of course, if you cut out all the talking and only showed the action, the show would be about ten or fifteen minutes long. I could deal with that.

I am a big fan of the new Doctor Who and Torchwood, and a regular-sized fan of The Sarah Jane Adventures. I became a fan by watching seven or eight seasons of classic Doctor Who (mostly McCoy’s doctor) and if I had the time I would watch the other twenty seasons or so. Over the years I heard about an attempt to have a spin-off in the 80’s, K-9 and Company. I recently searched for it online and found it.

A couple of years after her adventures with the Doctor, Sarah Jane “retires” to her aunt’s estate in the English countryside to write her novel. There she finds out the Doctor left her a gift, in the form of K-9. These two, along with the aunt’s ward, then battle with the local coven of witches never knowing who – of the dozen or so locals they meet – they can trust.

I had two big problems with the show. I am glad I watched it, mainly because it is now something I can cross off my list of things to watch, but it does not disappoint me that the series was no picked up. The first problem is the opening. I could not find a video of it by itself, but if you watch the beginning of Part 1 on YouTube, you can see the opening sequence. In 2008 it is cheesy, and I doubt it was much better in 1981. I would think when starting a series you would want to put your best foot forward so people want to watch the show, but that opening sequence almost made me stop. But the biggest problem would have to be the WITCHES. I’m sorry, but Cybermen, Daleks, hell, even the Slitheen are more credible adversaries that a bunch of people dressing up and dancing around a fire chanting. It was another example of, “If that’s you’re best foot…”

Jack’s back! Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang is the first episode of Torchwood’s second season. The basic story is that just after Captain Jack Harkness returns from his stint with the Doctor, he receives a message from Captain John Hart who is a former “partner” of his from Jack’s time as a Time Agent. John explains that three “radioactive cluster bombs” have slipped through the Rift and if they aren’t found they’ll destroy the city. But can the team trust this compulsive liar?

While I do agree with Ianto’s assertion of Jack that “It is more fun when he’s around,” I had hoped for an episode where Jack shows up at the end. I’m curious as to how the team reacted to his disappearance. I know Gwen takes over, and I’m sure Toshiko and probably Ianto wouldn’t have had a problem with that, but what about Owen? I think there might have been a bit of a power struggle there, and that would have been interesting to watch. But I am excited to see that there will be more of Jack’s back-story coming out this season; that should be interesting.

Like many episodes from the first season, this one had some fast paced dialogue that just sucked me into the story and has given me new favorite quotes; “You went to murder rehab?” And for some reason this scene, just had me laughing out loud. And it was tough because I was watching it about midnight and I was laughing and turning the volume down because I didn’t want to disturb my neighbors. And when I found this clip on YouTube, I just watched it about four times. Although I wished they had left in the, “Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope,” as well as the “rehabs” bits, but it just gave me another reason to watch the show a second time.

All glory to the Hypnotoad!

As a kid I was a big fan of Knight Rider, but I think the times have passed it by. In the new Knight Rider, KITT has the ability to repair himself such that bullets and cars just bounce off of him without leaving a scratch. As I watched I kept asking myself if that kind of technology existed, why wouldn’t it be put in Humvees? I know you’re not supposed to put “real” world issues into escapist entertainment, but I couldn’t help myself. What was I supposed to do? I could not get interested in any of the characters (except the lesbian, and that’s a side issue) and I got really tired that every commercial break was seen as an opportunity to have a cliff hanger that was then solved in the lamest fashion possible. This new Knight Rider … what’s the word … SUCKED. About half-an-hour into it I started looking for other things to do while it was on; taking out the garbage, doing the dishes, some paperwork, etc. And the worst thing about it was that when it was over I flipped through the channels and found out that I had missed the first hour or so of Amistad. That is how I will remember this waste; because I forced myself to watch it, I missed part of Amistad.

“The death I am now living through.” – Owen

I have to say I think “A Day in the Death” is possibly the best Torchwood episode. Okay, some back story. Two episodes ago (“Reset”) Owen is killed at the end. But never fear, in the beginning of the last episode (“Dean Man Walking”) he is brought … back? I’m not sure what you call it when you end up with a walking talking corpse. He has no heartbeat, he can’t eat or drink, he doesn’t feel … anything. When he accidentally slices open his hand he stitches it closed without needing anesthesia. Unlike Jack who will “live forever” Owen gets to “die forever.”

The biggest reason I loved this episode were the images: Owen screaming underwater when he tries to drown himself; him sitting alone in his apartment unable to do anything; him completely tuning out Tosh when she talking about her day. All were very simple things, but they were so powerful and the soundtracks are outstanding and disturbing. Just having one in an episode would be outstanding, but to have three? Of course, maybe I’m just so used to crappy TV I overreact when I see something that is actually good. (Maybe Hollywood writers should be taking notes.) Not to give anything away, but I was really surprised at how it ended. I really expected X, and there were several points where I thought, Oh, they’ll use that to get to X, but no. They don’t even come close to X, and for the last ten or fifteen minutes of the episode I had no idea what was going to happen. I repeat, maybe Hollywood writers should be taking notes.

There was one, big, problem. When Owen tries to give Mister Parker CPR, he can’t because he “has no breath.” But, how does he talk? Doesn’t speaking require air? But I think the rest of the episode more than makes up for that massive oversight.

After The Runaway Bride aired, I read about a lot of people who hated Donna. But I liked her. After the puppy love of Rose, her abrasiveness of yelling at and slapping the Doctor was refreshing. But I did admit that she was good for one special; if she had taken up the Doctor’s offer of being her companion (for the third series) I think she would start to get on my nerves. But now that she’s the companion for the fourth series, I’m betting that they’ve smoothed her personality up a bit. At least I’m hoping they’ve done that. If it is the Donna from Bride, that will make for a long series. One thing I am looking forward to is I very much doubt Donna will develop a school girl crush on the Doctor like Rose, Jack, and Martha did, which is something I was starting to get tired of.

With a new companion comes the time for reflection. Limiting myself to the new series, how do I rate the three main companions: Rose, Martha, and Donna? In what many will consider blasphemy, Rose is my least favorite. I didn’t really have a problem with her until Martha came along. It took me a few episodes to warm up to Martha, and I will admit part of that was probably the fear of going against the stream of EVERYBODY LOVES ROSE! But Martha is just a more interesting character. And after her appearance on Torchwood where we find that it is now Doctor Martha Jones, member of UNIT, just makes me love her even more. Nothing personal against Rose, but I think Martha is just a better fit for the Doctor, she’s closer to his level. Yes, the Doctor is on Level 8,000 and Martha is on Level 10, but she’s still closer than Rose who’s on Level 9.

When I first heard that Rose was returning to the show, I wasn’t all that thrilled. I figured that storyline had ended, and it might as well stay ended. But now I’m somewhat curious to see the interaction of all the companions. Because there will be Donna and Martha and Rose and Jack and Sarah Jane. The TARDIS is going to be full; I can’t wait.

I have enjoyed the first three episodes of the new series. From the social commentary and humor of “Partners in Crime” to the humor and discussion of the burden of a Time Lord in “Fires of Pompeii” to the, uh, well, “The Planet of the Ood” was okay. My biggest problem with the series – so far – is the plethora of obvious hints. For the first series, it wasn’t until I went back and watched it again that I noticed the first three or four “Bad Wolf” mentions, and for the third series I was online more so I knew to look for stuff relating to Saxon. All of those hints were subtle. In “Dalek” the guy’s helicopter call sign (if you listen closely) is “Bad Wolf One,” and in “Smith and Jones” you see a Vote Saxon sign in the background. But so far in these three episodes you have the Doctor being told “She is returning” (who could that be?) and that his song “must end soon.” Donna is also told that “there is something on your back.” And twice the disappearance of bees has been mentioned. The second time the Doctor even pauses and says, “Yeah, that thing about the bees is odd.” I do love looking for hints, but it is irritating and a bit disappointing that they are so out in the open. Of course I do wonder if they are so heavy-handed so they might distraction you from the “real” hints. But there are so many possible hints that all of this will only make sense by the end of the series. I can’t wait.

It’s taken me awhile to write this because on one hand I loved the first 12 ½ episodes of Series 2, but on the other hand I hated how the series ended. The started off with the rambunctious “Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang,” had the haunting “A Day in the Death” which I consider one of – if not – the best Torchwood episode yet, “Adrift” where an idealistic Gwen goes up against a realistic Jack and looses big time, and “Fragments” where we learn how Jack, Tosh, Owen, and Ianto joined Torchwood. Neither “A Day in the Death” or “Adrift” pulled their punches, and I greatly admire that and wish there was more of that on TV. And I enjoyed learning more about Jack’s past. That’s why I loved the first twelve episodes and the beginning of “Exit Wounds.” Now, the but.

SPOILERS. In the end of “Exit Wounds” they kill off Tosh and (apparently) Owen. (I’ve heard rumors that Owen is not fully dead, but as of now I don’t know.) That pissed me off because if I had to rate the characters, Jack would be first, followed by Tosh, then Owen. Ianto I’m neutral with, Rhys I’m not fond of and I really can’t stand Gwen. So you can understand why I’m pissed; killing off two of my three favorite characters isn’t good. But what makes it worse, was that it was dragged out. If Tosh had died instantly, I would still have been pissed but I would have gotten over it. Instead, they had this drawn out scene with her and Owen confessing their love and blah blah blah, and it just gave me flashbacks to Trinity’s half-hour death scene in The Matrix Revolutions.

Now, I’ve heard that part of the reason they killed these two off is so they can clean up the show (but they leave Jack?) to make it more family friendly. I would really hate for that to happen. One of the reasons I love Torchwood is that it’s set in a universe where people say “Fuck” when confronted by some monster, which makes it realistic. The real “realistic” not the totally fake and crappy “realistic” of reality shows. I will watch the third series when it comes out, but I would really hate if the only reason I continue watching Torchwood becomes the same reason I started watching The Sarah Jane Adventures; it’s Doctor Who related.

I loved this episode. It was cheesy, thought provoking, depressing. The cheesy moments were lines like, “Prepare for universal detonation,” and “Detonate the reality bomb!” Thought provoking when Davros points out that while the Doctor never carries a gun, he fashions ordinary people into his weapons – Sarah Jane, Rose, Martha, Jack, etc – and asks how many people have died in the name of The Doctor. And depressing because it felt like an end to the series. All the companions came back for “one last fling” only for all – but Donna – returning to their own lives leaving the Doctor on his own, once more. And what happens to Donna is … sadly bold. I think if she had died people would just have been pissed, so instead she suffers something that’s, worst then death?

It’s tough writing a review for this episode because if you’re a fan you’ve either already watched it or you’re going to watch it and I don’t want to ruin it. And if you’re not a fan, you’re not going to watch it and if you did you wouldn’t understand any of it.

“A Clockwork Orange” (12-19-07)
“I Am Legend” (12-27-07)
“His Dark Materials: The Golden Compass” (01-04-08)
“His Dark Materials: The Subtle Knife” (01-06-08)
“His Dark Materials: The Amber Spyglass” (01-07-08)
“Jumper” (01-12-08)
“Reflex” (01-17-08)
“The Master and Margarita” (02-11-08)
“Storm Front, Fool Moon, Grave Peril” (07-05-08)

Philip Pullman

I think it was towards the end of summer 2007, a group of friends and I went to see some movie and we saw a poster for The Golden Compass. Two of my friends were all a twitter, but I was like, whatever. It was just some kids book I’d never heard of before. Then I pretty much forgot about it. But then the Catholic League started making a fuss over it. So I would like to take this time to thank Bill Donohue. If he hadn’t made such a big deal out of it, I probably wouldn’t have started reading the books.

The story follows the adventures of young Lyra Belacqua. She lives in a world where people walk about with these “animals” called dæmons who are manifestations of the person’s soul. Her adventures start when a mysterious organization known as “Gobblers” starts kidnapping children, including Lyra’s friend Roger. The children are being used for this cruel experiment where their dæmons are “cut” away. Lyra join’s with a group of nomadic boat people called Gyptians who set out to rescue the children. Along the way she befriends an exiled armored bear named Iorek Byrnison, and she also hopes to free her father, Lord Asriel who is being held captive by the armored bears for the Gobblers. The children are freed, Iorek defeats the usurper bear king, and Lyra and Roger finally meet up with Lord Asriel, and it turns out he isn’t a good guy. (I know this is a very brief outline, but hey, you try to quickly sum up an almost 300 page novel with numerous, complicated, interrelated plot lines in a paragraph.)

While I enjoyed the book, I did have some problems with it. The biggest problem I had concerns the alethiometer, which is a device Lyra is given that – if you can read it correctly, and Lyra can read it intuitively – always tells the truth. You could ask it, “What is Person X doing now?” and it would tell you, “They’re reading a review on the internet.” The problem I had is that there are several places where Lyra wonders what somebody was doing. I figured she would take out the alethiometer and find out, but instead she just sits there and keeps wondering. I know that if you wrote a story where all the hero has to do is ask some magical device, “How do I stop the bad guys?” and then just do what the device tells them, it would suck. There needs to be some built-in block, like it could only be used once a day or something. But that isn’t in the book.

The other big problem I had was Lyra. She spends a great deal of time with the Gyptians, at one point almost thinking of herself as Gyptian, but once she leaves them (they return home with the children and she continues on to free her father) she thinks of them once, maybe twice. I know that a great deal is going on in her life at that moment, but it felt almost like they were just a means for her to save Roger. Once that was done, they could be forgotten. That bugged me.

Now, how do I rate The Golden Compass in comparison to other classics, such as The Lord of the Rings, the Harry Potter books, and The Chronicles of Narnia? My favorite is still The Lord of the Rings because I enjoy the epic scale of it. My least favorite is The Chronicles of Narnia because I think of the four it was written for the youngest audience. Since I’ve read all of these as an adult, I just found it too simplistic. For now I’m saying The Golden Compass is somewhat tied with Harry Potter. I think it is a little better than the early Potter books, but not as good as the latter ones. How will the entirety His Dark Materials compare with the entirety of Harry Potter? I’ll let you know once I finish the trilogy.

As a fun little side note, in the movie the Magisterium is shown as a jack-booted organization bent on galactic domination, and the Catholic League vehemently claims it’s a thinly veiled Catholic Church. (?) But in the book the Magisterium is rarely mentioned, and when it is it seems more like a distant bureaucracy concerned more with maintaining their power than helping its citizens. (Oh, if only that was fantasy.)

Philip Pullman

At the end of The Golden Compass, Lord Asriel opened a bridge to another world, and Lyra “walked into the sky.” The Subtle Knife begins with Will Parry – who is either from our world or a very close facsimile - coming across a window into another world. He goes through and meets Lyra. Together they have some adventures and he gains control of the Subtle Knife, which is so sharp it can cut through anything and can even cut windows into other worlds. In the end he learns that he is supposed to take the knife to Lord Asriel who is making war upon The Authority. He wants to bring Lyra with him, but finds she has been captured by the forces of the Magisterium under command of Mrs. Coulter.

Overall, I did enjoy the book. It’s original, most of the time I wasn’t sure what was going to happen next, and as I writer I recognize the difficulty of weaving so many threads together. But I did find the first few chapters somewhat confusing, almost jerky. I think it just had to do with several characters scattered over the four worlds that show up in this book. At first I wasn’t enjoying it, but I pushed on and it all started making sense.

If you read my review of The Golden Compass, you saw that I considered His Dark Materials tied with the Harry Potter books. For the first few chapters I thought Harry Potter had it beat, but after finishing The Subtle Knife, I have to say they are – in my opinion – still tied. But there’s still The Amber Spyglass so we’ll see what happens.

As a fun note, I’ve read several criticisms by Christians who say the books are about these kids who set off to kill God. First off, Lyra and Will don’t set out to do that. In The Subtle Knife they just get caught up in Lord Asriel’s gathering of forces. Lord Asriel is the one who is on a mission to kill The Authority because, as his loyal servant says, “…he’s stark mad.” So I guess the reason Christians find this offensive is because he is mad. Apparently, they only want sane people to set out to kill God. (?) Latter on we learn that the reason he wants to do this is because of all the atrocities committed in His name, which I think makes it clear that he is a bit mad. Because I think we can all agree that the people who commit the atrocities are the guilty ones, they are the ones who should be punished.

Philip Pullman

In The Amber Spyglass Will rescues Lyra from Mrs. Coulter and they go on a grand tour of the world of the dead. They then make a brief visit to the battle between Lord Asriel and the Kingdom of Heaven. Then everything wraps up and the book ends.

Overall, I have to say this is my least favorite of the trilogy, mainly because it seemed overly long. I know death is an eternity, but that’s what their tour of the world of the dead felt like. And while the ending might leave a teenaged girl sobbing, for a guy in his thirties it was like, “I get the point, you can end it now.” I also have nagging issue over Lord Asriel. He left his world at the end of The Golden Compass with, basically just the clothes on his back, but when we next see him – which is only a few weeks for the other characters – he has this massive fortress and enormous army at his command. How did that happen? Did I miss something?

Don’t get me wrong, the series is enjoyable, imaginative, thought provoking, etc, but I still will rank it third in the four epic fantasies I’ve read in the past few years. In case you skipped the other reviews, first is The Lord of the Rings, second is Harry Potter, third is His Dark Materials and last is The Chronicles of Narnia.

As to the whole “death of God” criticism people have of this series, really it is the death of the Authority, who was the first angel who came into existence. He lied and told the other angels that he had created them and everything else. In his old age he turned control of the Kingdom of Heaven over to his Regent, a fanatic named Metatron who had the Authority put in a crystal cage. During the battle between Metatron and Lord Asriel, Will and Lyra come across this cage. They have no idea who is inside, seeing only a suffering, ancient being. They release him out of pity without realizing that the only thing keeping him alive is the crystal cage. Once out, the Authority dies happy and at peace. If you think people should be kept alive as long as they can, despite any amount of suffering, then I can see how you might be offended by that. But for me, they did the decent, human thing.

The novel Jumper is the story of teenage guy named Davey Rice. He lived with his abusive father until one day – as his father was about to beat him – he teleported to someplace where he felt save; the local library. Thinking he’s just blacked out, or something, he runs away. Weeks later, when these guys try to rape him, he jumps back to the library. He then starts experimenting with this new power of his and learns that if he can picture someplace he’s been, he can teleport there. So he goes to New York, robs a bank, and starts traveling.

In his travels, he meets a girl, and finds his estranged mother who left him and his father several years before. Sadly, just after they meet up and start working out the tons of issues they have, his mother’s plane is hijacked and she is killed. Davey then sets out to find the terrorist responsible for her death, keep his girlfriend, and stay out of the hands of the NSA who have taken an interest in him and his abilities.

The novel is enjoyable and full of fun little ideas (like the fish tank) but there is a great deal of talk about alcoholism, abuse, abandonment, guilt, grieve, anger, etc., etc. I’m not saying it isn’t realistic, unfortunately, alcoholic, abusive parents are too common, but at times the novel almost felt like an ad for AA, or AlAnon, or psychological treatment. I’m not knocking those, because people have been helped by them, but I think an ex-girlfriend who felt therapy was the solution to everything has left me a tad sensitive to the subject.

My biggest problem while reading Jumper had nothing to do with the book. The main reason I read it is that I wanted to read it before the movie came out. Having seen the trailer and read some early reviews, I had certain expectations that were not met. Although, it wasn’t until after I finished reading Jumper that I found out there was a sequel Reflex which from what little I’ve read about it sounds more like the movie. We’ll have to see.

Reflex is set some ten years after Jumper. Davy has been working with the NSA dropping off and picking up people covertly, when he is kidnapped by this shadowy group who has their own plans for a jumper. Through drugs and an implant, they begin conditioning him to do their bidding. After he is kidnapped, his wife Millie discovers that since Davy has jumped her so often over the years , she has absorbed the ability to jump. The book follows Davy’s attempts to escape and Millie’s attempt to rescue him.

Overall, it was an enjoyable, okay book. My favorite part is that it does raise some interesting questions. Something I forgot to mention in my review of Jumper, is there is one part where some Arab man asks why this mysterious jumper only saves Westerners when they’re hijacked, but not Palestinian children from Israeli bullets? In Reflex, Millie captures one of the bad guys and then tortures him for information on Davy. And she wonders if it is okay for her to do it, since she is the “good guy.” I find it admirable that these issues are brought up, but then disappointed that they are then lost as the plot moves on.

Jim Butcher

As I read the first three books in Jim Butcher’s The Dresden Files, I kept thinking I should write a review for them. However, once I finished the books I couldn’t think of what to say about them. The reason being they are written in such a way that you read them to get to the end and find out what happens; you don’t have time to take notes. And saying, “You should read these books because they are good,” doesn’t seem like much of a review.

Anyway, the basics. Harry Dresden is a wizard, the only wizard listed in the Chicago phone book. He makes a meager living as a PI doing simple things like finding lost items, but he doesn’t do love potions. His main source of income is as a consultant to the Special Investigations department for the Chicago Police, headed by his friend Karrin Murphy. They handle all the weird cases – the ones that involve anything paranormal.

The books are a rapid fire series of Harry fighting – and escaping by the skin of his teeth – evil sorcerers, vampires, werewolves, ghosts, his faerie godmother, and the local crime boss. The only real issue I have with the books (so far) is how many times Harry has had the crap beat out of him and he is seconds away from death, but he finds an untapped well of magic in him and he unleashes it and kicks ass. That isn’t how he deals with every tight spot he’s in – his other main escape method is in knowing more about magic than his opponents – but it has happed several times.

The other main issue I was having had nothing to do with the books themselves, but my expectations. When I think of a book about a wizard, I think of Gandalf. When I think of a PI, even though I’ve never read it, I think of Sam Spade. But as I said, Harry gets the crap beat out of him but he still kicks ass, like John McClane of the Diehard movies. And that was my problem. I know there was a Dresden Files TV show, which I haven’t watched yet, but I don’t think of action heroes as being the subject of books. It was my opinion that big explosions and raging gun battles work better on the big screen than within the pages of a book. But after reading the first couple books in this series, I’m now looking forward to reading the rest with this wizardly action hero.